did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Life without a bra equals bliss.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize