I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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