At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize