i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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