We won't sleep together?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
