Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
