So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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