overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize