At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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