Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
