Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
