I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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