So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
