My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize