WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
