Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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