if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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