Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
