I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
