I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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