I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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