My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
