Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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