So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
