47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize