I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
