your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
