You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
