dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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