Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize