She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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