I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
