Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
