Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
