She is in my trunk
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
