i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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