If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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