Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
