every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
