During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
