Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
there's paper in my vomit.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
