you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Drake has all the answers
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
