shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I AM VODKA MAN
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
