How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
