If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
