I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
