Please don't use social media to get back at me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
