just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
