got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
