if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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