I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize