you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
