I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
