i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
