tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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