you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
bring money and cleavage
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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