it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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