Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
