my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
