I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
