i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
