I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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