fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
