does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
