She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If I die, sorry about rent.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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