i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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