New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
