He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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