Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
