Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
