I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
