Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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