I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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