I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
